John and Kate and the Impossiblity of Marriage

John and Kate plus 8 is a widely popular show about a a family with eight kids, six of them from one birth.  They have had a show on TLC for a couple of years now chronicling the rasing of their 8 kids and the trials/adventures the family has faced.  Well fame has had a price for the Gosselin family as John and Kate’s marriage is now on the rocks.

I have seen the show a few times over the years and each time I have had two reactions. 1.  Raised levels of anxiety as I would picture what it would be like to try and raise 8 kids and take them out in public. 2. How there seemed to be a constant nagging and negativity dynamic that had developed between John and Kate.  Now I know that raising 8 kids is stressful and I thought that most of their tension and animosity toward each other was more due to how they handled difficult situations.

Yet I was always bothered by the interview parts of the show in which Kate would launch into long diatribes about how John was messing things up or not doing things right and John would sit there with this glazed look on his face as if he had been raptured from his body.

Well with the season premiere this last week it was well known that John and Kate’s marriage was in dire straights.  Ratings were higher than ever with a record 10 million viewers turning in to see the ice storm that had become the marriage of John and Kate.

Christianity Today had an excellent article recently on how massive amounts of bitterness had enveloped John and Kate’s relationship and how as professing Christians they should seek biblical counseling and accountability from other Christians.

Yet the reason I blog about this is not so people googling the topic will come to our blog, but because it highlights how foundational and practical a robust understanding of the Gospel is to marital life.  Mark Driscoll routinely says that when you put to sinners together for life you have to have something to do with the sin that will ensue.  Otherwise you will always get death; death of intimacy, death of affection, death of honesty, and ultimately the death of the marriage.

The bitterness that has manifested in the marriage of John and Kate is not uncommon, in fact it is quite common in marriage.  It is the residue of unresolved sin. It is sin that has not been atoned for.  Either Jesus will pay for the sin done in marriage or you and your spouse will.  There is no third option.

Crystal and I have to continually remind ourselves that our marriage and love for each other does not have to die and suffer for the sin we commit against each other, because Jesus has already atoned for it.

Marriage is precious but absolutely impossible without a means for dealing with sin (the Cross), and a source for reconciliation (The Grace that is a result of the work of the Cross).

ryan

10 Ways to Celebrate Easter without the Bunny

My wife has a GREAT post on her blog about Easter traditions. We are spending our first year as parenting researching and seeking to prayerfully develop traditions that help the deep traditions of our faith become real in the lives of us and our children. Click the picture for 10 Ways to Celebrate Easter without the Bunny.

matt

Thanksgiving, Family, and Snow

Here is my awesome dog Tucker after eating his Thanksgiving dinner.  I am thankful for him because he is the best dog in the world, and brings us great joy.

I am thankful for such an amazing Thanksgiving dinner.  Everything we had was delicious and led me to eat more than I should have.  Most of all though I am thankful for my amazing wife who worked very hard to make such a great meal.  She is truly a beautiful woman who constantly encourages, supports, and loves me, even when I don’t deserve it.

This was the tasty pumpkin cake with pomegranate seeds that Crystal and my mother in law made.  We were blessed and thankful to have Crystal’s parents with us as we celebrated Thanksgiving.  They are always so kind and loving toward us.  I am thankful for them and all the rest of my family that I could not be with, such as my mom and sisters in Rockford.

Also God blessed us with our first major snowfall of the season.  Couple that with some Christmas music, hot chocolate and you have the recipe for fond memories.

Hope your Thanksgiving was as fun as mine.

ryan

John Calvin on 1 Timothy 5:8

Many pastors like to use 1 Timothy 5:8 to build upon the theology that a man must be the material provider for his home. While this is a theology I ascribe to, it was pointed out to me (by a really close friend) recently that 1 Timothy 5:8 does not in fact support this theology. Perhaps John Calvin says it best,

Erasmus
has translated it, “If any woman do not provide for her own,” making it
apply exclusively to females. But I prefer to view it as a general
statement; for it is customary with Paul, even when he is treating of
some particular subject, to deduce arguments from general principles,
and, on the other hand, to draw from particular statements a universal
doctrine. And certainly it will have greater weight, if it apply both
to men and to women.

If it is applied to both men and women can we really use it to support husband as the sole provider? What do you think?

matt

Time In Seattle

On our vaction we were fortunate enough to get to spend two days in Seattle before setting out on our Cruise.  During our time in Seattle we stayed at the swanky Westin, which was within walking distance to Pikes Market.

We were on the 23rd floor.

Upon Matt’s recommendation we went to Pike’s Brewery and I ordered the beer sampler.  The beer was excellent but I ended up dropping one on my lap.  My father in-law found this hilarious and did everything he could to draw attention to it as we walked around Pikes Market for the next hour.  Don’t worry I got him back later in the week by sending a room service order to his room that included about 12 cups of juice and 9 boxes of cereal.

Most of the rest of our time we spent just doing regular tourist activities in the downtown area.  For example his is my beautiful wife at the famous fish market.

We also got a chance to visit the Red Hook Brewery where Crystal and I had toured with Matt and Vicky a few years ago.  Without Matt there though, I abstained from the beer float and and engaging in any digital camera wars.

Overall, I was reminded what a beautiful city Seattle is.  While its downtown is loaded with wonderful things to do and great things to see, it still is clean, somewhat spacious, and not nearly as fast paced as many other metropolitan areas.  The culture seems to wear a disposition of individuality and free thinking.  I witnessed a number of protests/demonstrations (though no one seemed to be interested in them).  Even the homeless crowd seemed a little bit more laid back in its panhandling, except for one guy who followed me around and kept muttering “F@$k you snow cone.”  I do not think he even wanted money, just to wanted to issue strong imperatives to passerbys.

I will try and get to our actual cruise in the next day or so.

ryan

Back From Alaska

Wow what an amazing week I have had.  I just got off the cruise ship and am sitting in Pikes Market in Seattle.  Here is a photo.

I was blessed to see some of the most beautiful sights in God’s creation.  I will be sure to post many more photos in the coming days, since we took close to 500!  But for now here is one of Crystal and I in Glacier Bay.

ryan

Now, about making money…

If you have read this post from last week you will remember me talking about the pressing need I feel to make money for my fast growing family. This is an area that has been a phenomenal source of stress as my wife and I are entertaining business opportunities, moving into a new home and continuing my education. Not to mention having two new mouths to feed. This led to the following conversation two nights ago on the back porch of the house we are staying at:

Vicky: You know what we need? (not waiting for a response, proving the question to be neither rhetorical or response intended) We need someone to give us $50,000. That would really help us accomplish all of our goals.

Me: Well, that would be nice. We should ask God for $50,000.

Us: God would you please give us $50,000.

The prayer was a bit more reverential than that, but you get the point. Our thought behind the prayer was such: God loves us, God will provide our needs, God tells us to ask him for the things we need. God has the right to answer how he wants, we just thought we would ask.

Fast forward to the following evening. Before meeting Vicky’s brother to catch an advanced screening of Pineapple Express Vicky and I decide to meet at In-N-Out for dinner (note: due to an increasing need for iron in her system my wife has been craving double cheeseburgers like crazy). I was in my work clothes and Vicky was dressed casually. Right before our food arrived a woman came up to our table. She leaned in close and put her hand on my shoulder in preparation to say the following:

Lady: I don’t know why but God told me to give you this, and at this point in my life I just want to do what he says and not second guess it.

As she walked away Vicky and I sat speechless as we looked at a check on our table for $50,000.

Just kidding, she handed us a $20 bill. But it might as well have been a check for $50,000.

I am not sure there has ever been a time in my life that God has answered a prayer so quickly and definitively. I half-joked to Vicky that we should expect 249 more ladys with $20 bills, since apparently God has chosen to answer our prayer.

I have chosen to take 2 things away from this –

1. God is our father, he loves us, he hears us. For some reason (only he knows) he chose to put his hand on our shoulder and tell us that he heard us. To tell us that he is our provider and will not let us be without provision.

2. God has called me to be faithful with little. We immediately prayed and thanked God for his provision and asked for wisdom as to how we should steward this blessing. Basically, we are treating that $20 bill like it is a check for $50,000.

I wanted to share this story today because of the joy of my heart, and the rest my soul has taken in God my Father, who is my provider.

On Becoming a Good Daddy…

In preparation of impending fatherhood I have started reading a wonderful book entitled Grace Based Parenting. Vicky thinks I should focus on books that will prepare me for how hard it is going to be with twin babies. I find that idea to be quite superfluous. I mean, I don’t need a book to tell me how much getting kicked in the balls will hurt. Nor do I need a book to tell me how to brace myself for getting kicked in the balls. No, when kicked in the balls, it’s best to ride out the pain and find the best way to move forward (or get off the ground). So I am focusing on books about how to be a good daddy. I’ll just binge on the how-to stuff when the babies get here.

Grace Based Parenting has been both wonderful and hard to read. It has been wonderful in that it has filled me with much hope and excitement about what being a parent means. You get to teach a kid how to be a human, and really, you get to love them and teach them how to love. This has me bouncing off the wall like a hypoglycemic kid at a candy store. It is hard in that it warns us of all the ways that we can jack up our kids. And let’s be honest, there are a lot of jacked up kids in the world. Just take a trip down to the mall on a Saturday and you’ll see both jacked up teens as well as parents preparing their toddlers to be jacked up teens.

The premise of Grace Based Parenting is that “grace” based parents will helped their kids develop into mature adults who bless society instead of developing into jacked up drains on society. Or to make a more timely reference, it helps us raise Mandy Moores and not Lindsay Lohans. As a future father of a daughter I can say that a daily trip to TMZ.com greatly inflames my desire to be a parent who uses “grace” as a primary parenting tool.

Grace Based Parenting contends that grace is the best philosophy for parenting in that love is freely given not earned or withheld based on performance. We get this concept from God who, instead of dealing with us as we deserved, lovingly sent Jesus to take our place on the cross, and through his blood, cleanse us of all our sin. Because of this grace of God we receive only love and favor from God instead of his wrath and punishment. This grace provides the basis for our development as children of God.

Here’s a practical thought about being a Grace Based Parent: what would it mean for a child if they knew that nothing they did could make us love them any less?

In processing how to become a Grace Based Parent, I have encountered a MAJOR problem: I cannot say that I am a grace based husband. This is weird considering all that Vicky and I have been through in over five years of marriage. We had to see a counselor our first year just to get through, and then the next few years seemed like a tough climb We have been two passionate, immature people seeking to learn how to become one with one another as we traveled through life.

How we could have continued to grow and yet I still see myself as lacking so much grace in how I interact with my wife?

The answer: we have learned how to accommodate each others sinful behavior, instead of giving grace to each other.

My wife has subtlety learned how to accommodate an over-zealous, know it all, bossy, hot-head who must tell everyone around them how everything should be. In some amazing way she has found a way to subvert a hypo-critical theological and grammatical neat-nick. And I have learned to have fewer outbursts, apologize quicker, all the while subverting repentance and change. We aren’t holier or better people, we’re just more accommodating. And a marriage based on accommodation will lead to Accommodation Based Parenting, not Grace Based Parenting.

My prayer is that as I am learning methods to help me be a good father that those principles will find their first fruits in my behavior as a husband. That I would learn to repent of being a selfish control freak and learn to create an environment where grace enables my wife and I to best enjoy each other and God. I pray that you would also consider the ways that you have decided to accommodate instead of being sanctified in your relationships. I pray that we all would commit to repenting of our sin and eagerly showing grace to each other instead of finding ways to hide it, or accept the ways that others accommodate for it. God has dealt with our sin in Jesus, now we get to live in the freedom that grace supplies.

matt

Just Like Mommy and Daddy

Inside my wife’s uterus are two little babies. For some reason they have chosen to rest one on top of the other in a way the medical staff oft refers to as “bunk-bedding.” One baby rests down close to the cervix (Baby A) while the other rests comfortably of top of it’s sibling (Baby B). This might not always be how they are positioned, but it has been this way for 16 weeks, and we kind of think they like it how it is.

27 years ago two babies were born to two different women at the Woman’s Hospital of Southern Nevada on April 10. The first one, myself, came out sometime before 2:00am, while the second one, my wife, came roughly 30 minutes later.

Since Baby A is a boy and Baby B is a girl, it looks like our children are already acting just like their parents (note: the closest baby to the cervix comes out first).

matt

Things that Bring Me Joy

Emails like this from my wife:

Your pregnancy: 7 weeks

See the big picture

How your baby’s growing:

The big news this week: Hands
and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although
they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy
extremities you’re daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically,
your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small
tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear
within a few weeks, but that’s the only thing getting smaller. Your
baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch
long, about the size of a blueberry.

If you could see inside your womb,
you’d spot eyelid folds partially covering her peepers, which already
have some color, as well as the tip of her nose and tiny veins beneath
parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of your baby’s brain are growing,
and her liver is churning out red blood cells until her bone marrow
forms and takes over this role. She also has an appendix and a
pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in
digestion. A loop in your baby’s growing intestines is bulging into her
umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen
and nutrients to and from her tiny body.

Wonderful.

matt