What Happened To You Starbucks?

Here is a recent “Starbucks Experience” I had from the moment I walked in the door.

Barista: Hey! I got your cranberry bliss bar and venti eggnog latte all ready for you.

Me: uhh, I just want coffee

Barista: Are you sure? How about trying an apple turnover and gingerbread latte?

Me: just coffee

Barista: Why not get a pound to take with you, and a grinder?

Me: uh just coffee

Barista: Oh well why don’t you buy a whole tray of cranberry bliss bars to take with you to work?

Me: I do not like cranberry bliss bars, just coffee

Barista: Well alright, and lets just throw a ten dollar gift card with that for a friend!

Me: Lets not, I just want coffee

Barista: Have a nice day

Me: (walking away shaking my head)

I just want to know what happened to my beloved Starbucks? We have had such a meaningful, close relationship for going on ten years, what went wrong? I guess I knew this day would come, when the shareholders would get to you and demand bigger and bigger profits, and you would foresake me for their unruly demands. Well I will miss you Starbucks as you grow up and transition into just another chain. I know this happened a long time ago but I was blinded by love. sigh.

UPDATE:  My co-workers at the seminary bookstore are funny people.  After I told them of this encounter they decided to bring me a cranberry bliss bar for lunch today.  And yes after I eating the whole thing I still do not like cranberry bliss bars.  And if you are wondering why I ate the whole thing even though I did not like it then see the name of this blog.

ryan

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12 Responses

  1. I wouldn’t worry, just an overzealous cash register barista trying to win an ipod shuffle for selling the most items in three weeks. That stuff never would have flown at my old Starbucks. We would have shamed the barista for hurting our tip average. Don’t worry the need for high tips will always outweigh corporate mandates.

    Although, I did almost punch a sarcastic a-hole barista at the B&N Bucks a few weeks ago. They charged us for switching Vanilla for Classic Syrup in our iced coffee. My wife very kindly informed the barista that every other Bucks counts it as a substitution. The barista gave her lip saying that’s not what they are suppossed to do. Now pissed, I asked him what the point of the substitution button was on the screen was for. He said that was only an option for Sugar-Free Vanilla, or Sugar Free Hazelnutt on a drink that was suppossed to have Vanilla of Hazelnut. Well Jackass, the substitute button was there before “Vanilla Latte” was on the menu, AND NO DRINKS COME STANDARD WITH HAZELNUT. Vicky nearly complained directly to the manager, but we decided to take it out online (free coupons, yeah).

  2. Yeah the tip thing is a very good point, but the pushiness has become more systemic. I know it is nostalgia but in some ways I think they have lost a bit of that old time magic they used to have.

  3. Maybe it will turn you into the old angry drip coffee guy. Everyone who’s ever worked at a Starbucks knows this guy. He is preemptively angry to prevent your scenario, and also just to show general anger towards expensive coffee. He carries exact change for his tall coffee. Gets refills in it until the bottom of the cup falls out. Wears his pants just below his nipples. Has white socks with Rockport dress sneakers. Only reads the sports section while grunting in disagreement. Always sits outside no matter how cold it is.

    Ladies in Gentlemen, Ryan Kearns in 30 years.

  4. Matt you are truly a prophet. In other related news I will now begin praying for the rapture (even though I am not sure I believe in it).

  5. Cranberry bliss bar theory

    I can do nothing but laugh inside as I sit in my local owned coffee shop where the internet is FREE instead of the $29.99 a month that t-mobile and Starbucks likes to rip from people. I mean really $29.99? Don’t get me wrong it has come in handy a few times but damn! They also did not offer me anything but single cup of Stumps coffee.. Ahhh how nice to have a day off. I say next time that happens Ryan you just stand there and say nothing, silence might be golden in this case. Especially after the second or third time of him asking you.

    Anywho hope you guys are all well. So much for the ducks this year!

  6. Stumps coffee is GREAT!

    Second best coffee in the Northwest, right behind Zoka Coffee in Seattle.

    Also, T-Mobile customers can add/remove the Hotspot from their account at any time without contract. Also, when using that service I don’t feel inclined to buy coffee. So, when Vicky and I used to move from city to city, it was great to sign up.

    The Ducks demise shows just how good Dixon was. Too bad he’s about to pull a Jeff Samardzija and play baseball professionally.

  7. Well its actually STUMPTOWN just for everyone else out there. Never heard of ZOKA I will have to hit that up some time.

    Yeah guess that make the non T-mobile people bend over. What can I say where the ATT hot spots.

    Freaking Dixon man what a shame.. He should have sucked it up and went out there and played anyway[MATT’S NOTE: Draper just said that a guy with nothing holding his knee together should have sucked it up and played even though he was out there previously sucking it up even though it could have cost him millions of dollars]. Oh well maybe my Chargers will continue to come back to life.

  8. I still love starbucks, but sometimes I think the baristas in Rockford are former Disneyland theme park employees. They try really hard to be excited…they make sweeping hand movements and speak in very animated voices…but all the people in Rockford just kinda scratch their heads in confusion…it is little too much in Rockford. I think they would do better in our area if they grew mullets, wore something that you could also go hunting in, and discuss how great Swedish people are…just a thought
    *Sidenote: My sister Holli is a cool Starbucks person…she does not try to sell me Cranberry Bliss Bars…but she does peddle those espresso brownie bars….she knows my weakness!

  9. Now that is great contextualization Kammi! Send your suggestions to SBUX and the might send you some free drink coupons.

  10. Holli works at Starbucks now!. The Coffee Bean will never be the same. Seriously though, is this the postmodern American suburban white child right of passage? Why is it that all of my friends, including myself, have worked at Starbucks?

    They freaking own our generation. And if Howard Shultz didn’t manage the Sonics into the ground, play it off like it was Seattle’s fault, and then wash his hands of the team by selling it to OK City investors clearly wanting to move the franchise, then I wouldn’t mind. Seriously, the guy is like Art Modell and Pontius Pilate combined.

  11. Except for the nipple pants, I became drip coffee guy three years ago.

    A few weeks ago, one guy at the Starbucks by our house was apparently auditioning for a Broadway show behind the cash register…huge fake smile, overly enunciated speech, and I think, the tiniest bit of man makeup (good God how wrong is it when those two words get paired up). Is it wrong that my first instinct was to punch him?

  12. Matt, I’m hurt. I have never worked at the Bux and I thought I was your friend.

    Oh, but I’m not white. Oh, okay.

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